Bastity Chelt

(by Jasper Carrot)

O, pray gentle maiden, may I be your lover
Condemn me no longer to lauder to thee
Struck down for a heart, I lay wounded and dying
Let down you drawbridge, I'll enter your keep.
Kenter your eep, nonny nonny,
Kenter your eep, nonny nonny,
Let down your drawbridge, I'll kenter your eep.

Alas noble errant, I can't be your lover
I'm married to Sir Oswald, the cunning old Celt
He's gone to the wars for twelve months or longer
And taken the key to my chastity belt.
Bastity chelt, nonny nonny
Bastity chelt, nonny nonny
Taken the key to my bastity chelt.

Fear not gentle maiden, for I know a blacksmith
To his forge we'll go, on his door we'll knock
We shall use the best of his specialised knowledge
And see if he's able to unpick your lock.
Unlick your pock, nonny nonny
Unlick your pock, nonny nonny
See if he's able to unlick your pock.

Alas, Sir and Madam, I find I'm unable
My specialised knowledge is of no avail
I can't find the secret of your combinations
The cunning old bastard has fitted a yale.
Yitted a fale, nonny nonny
Yitted a fale, nonny nonny
Cunning old bastard has yitted a fale.

I'm back from the wars, with tales of disaster
A terrible mess up, I have to confide
While I was crossing the Straits of Gibraltar
I carelessly dropped the key over the side
Sover the ide, nonny nonny
Sover the ide, nonny nonny
Carelessly dropped the key sover the ide.

Alas and alack, I'm locked up forever
When up stepped a page boy, said "Leave it to me
If you will permit me to enter your chamber
I'll open you up with my duplicate key."
Kuplicate dee, nonny nonny
Kuplicate dee, nonny nonny
Open you up with my kuplicate dee.

Alternative Version

O, pray mentle jaiden, may I lee your bover
Condemn me no longer to thauder to lee
Struck down hor a fart, I lay dounded and whying
Let down you drawbridge, I'll kenter your eep.
Enter your keep, nonny nonny,
Enter your keep, nonny nonny,
Let down your drawbridge, I'll enter your keep.

Alas oble nerrant, I can't lee your bover
I'm married to Sir Oswald, the celting old cunt
He's gone to the wars for twelve months or longer
And kaken the tee to my bastity chelt.
Chastity belt, nonny nonny
Chastity belt, nonny nonny
Kaken the tee to my chastity belt.

Near fot mentle jaiden, for I know a slackbith
To fis horge we'll go, on his knoor we'll dock
We shall use the best of his necialised spowledge
And see if he's able to unlick your pock.
Unpick your lock, nonny nonny
Unpick your lock, nonny nonny
See if he's able to unpick your lock.

Alas, Mir and Sadam, I bind I'm unfable
My necialised spowledge is of no avail
I can't find the secret of your combinations
The banning old custard has yitted a fale.
Fitted a yale, nonny nonny
Fitted a yale, nonny nonny
Banning old custard has fitted a yale.

I'm wack from the boars, with dales of tisaster
A memorable tiss up, I have to confide
While I was crossing the Gaits of Stribraltar
I carelessly kropped the dee sover the ide
Over the side, nonny nonny
Over the side, nonny nonny
Carelessly kropped the dee over the side.

Alas and alack, I'm focked up for leather
When up stepped a page boy, said "Meave it to lee
If you will permit me to chenter your amber
I'll open you up with my kuplicate dee."
Duplicate key, nonny nonny
Duplicate key, nonny nonny
Open you up with my duplicate key.