Grandma, I Hope You Die This Christmas

Dee dee dee diddley dee.
Christmas time's a time we think of someone special
She's our grandma, she's our granny, she's our friend
Sitting in her comfy chair
Interrupt her if you dare
It's granny driving the family round the bend.

Most people think that granny's really lovely
How sad that she can hardly climb the stairs
She's like a female Enoch Powell
With an irritable bowel
So if I bump the old git off who cares?

While I don't wish to sound too fatalistic
Who's gonna notice one more wintertime statistic?

O-o-oh Grandma I hope you die this Christmas
Die and leave me all your money in your will
It's uncanny, granny, how happy I would be
If at Christmas you were terminally ill.

(Sing along everybody)
Dee dee dee diddley dee.
How best does one dispose of excess wrinklies
Is it best to hire a hit man for a fee
Wait- I know a way to irk her
I'll bring in a social worker
That's the way to get your granny killed for free.

At this time of year we're told to watch the old folk
And so I'm watching granny even more
And my job will be complete
When I look across the street
And see pints of milk piled up outside her door.

When I dream of lovely things like hypothermia
I wake up, and my sheets could not be spermier.

O-o-oh grandma I hope you die this Christmas
How much longer do you plan to stick around
It's uncanny, granny, how ecstatic I would be
If you were rotting somewhere six feet underground.

O-o-oh grandma I hope you die this Christmas
You've had your knock and now it's time to burn
It's uncanny, granny, what a Christmas it would be
If this year I got a scalectrix, a sing-along-a-Gazza album, a Garfield for the Ford Sierra, Mutant Ninja Turtle slippers
And a granny urn.
(What's a granny urn?)
Not a lot since Tories have slashed pensions. I am Ben Elton, goodnight.