Horatio Nelson

Nelson was a ladies man
He drove Lady Hamilton wild
He only had one eye one arm and one leg
'Cos he'd been chopped in half as a child.

His father had been a karate expert
Or so the people said
And one day forgetting himself
He patted his son on the head.

Poor Horatio wasn't too pleased
Things had turned out rather bad
For the poor little lad was left handed
And that wasn't the hand that he had.

Horatio, proud of his manhood
Looked down to count his proverbials
And found he was equal to Hitler
And one better off than Goebbels.

They used to call him Half-nelson
In the pubs of Chatham and Dover
They gave him a stick and kept him propped up
To stop what there was falling over.

He needed help to applaud
Life seemed really unfair
But when it came to getting legless
He was already half way there.

He used to go to the local hop
And there he'd sing and shout
But he couldn't do the military two-step
And half the hokey-cokey was out.

Sex was like riding a bike
As Horatio found when he tried
For one a one legged man gets his leg over
He's all on the other side.

He only had a starboard leg
When his flagship left the shore
His men said "Aye" instead of "Aye-aye"
And his parrot said "Pieces of four."

And the Navy sailed into battle
Brave Nelson didn't know fear
"I see no ships" he said with his telescope
Firmly stuck inside his blind ear

"Let's advance to the rear" said the admirals
"We must retreat or we're dead"
But bravely Nelson ignored them
'cos he couldn't hear a word that they said.

But up in a foreign flagship
He was spotted by a sniper
Who knew it was Nelson
As he just had one windscreen wiper.

The bullet pierced his heart
And he fell to the ground with a shout
"Kiss me Hardy" he whispered aloud
'Cos there was nobody nicer about.

Hardy wasn't shocked
He'd spent many years on board ships
And protected himself from Rear Admirals
By wearing bisexual clips.

"Kiss me Hardy." said Nelson again
So Hardy bent over his leader
And though the world thought Hardy was kissing the Admiral
He was whispering "Sod off, you bent bleeder."

They buried him at sea, on the ocean wave
And half the crew drowned trying to dig a grave
Things were worse if the truth were told
He was only half a man, so they just dug half a hole.