Ted Grimshaw

(By Les Barker)

Ted Grimshaw was a hard centre-half
Who once played for Queen of the South
He went too far in a match at Stranraer
And hit the left winger's boot with his mouth.

Ted couldn't eat 'till Monday
Then more hungry than annoyed
He employed an apprentice dentist
To put in dentures in the void.

On Tuesday they played Sheffield Wednesday
In the Cup Winners' Cup Winners' Cup
And again Edward led with his head
And landed flat on his back looking up.

The big stopper's choppers had vanished
His gnashers were gnowhere around
It gnaturally followed that they had been swallowed
Unless they'd gone out of the ground.

But this time he managed his meals
Sucked steak with peas and potato
Washed down with tea and a sandwich or three
Which Ted's teeth could chew sometime later.

Some things stay unchanged for a lifetime
But time, tide and teeth never will
And Ted's dentures found when they'd had a look round
It was time to be heading downhill.

For a while he'd a smile in his stomach
But found that all things must pass
And when his dentures finished their adventures
He found he could now eat long grass.

There are some things most men cannot do
Though time after time they have tried
Some died in the bid to do what Ted did
He bit his own bum from inside.

It might not strike you as useful
Some might call it extraneous
Just like falling off logs, Ted could eat two hot dogs
Simultaneous.

He became very popular at parties
His tricks were something people would go for
But they didn't want to know when he stood up to go
'Cos his bum had just eaten the sofa.

Seating was something to savour
Give him a chair and he'd chew it
It was nothing to some he could talk through his bum
John Major can already do it.

Ted Grimshaw was now a celebrity
His bum had become his great pride
He used to call it his ring of confidence
But it was due to his bum that he died.

Ted who had been six foot three
Now became five foot four
He knew he was beat when his bum ate his feet
And he sat there replete on the floor.

Ted Grimshaw poor bloke, the man whose bum spoke
As it sat there sort of licking its lips
I've eaten your feet Ted, I fancy some sweet breads
And proceeded to eat them with chips.

Liver and kidneys soon followed
Grimshaw was gulped from beneath
The man who bit his own bum found vengeance had come
And all that was left was his teeth