Things Would Never Have Worked

It's over, we've missed the bus
Nice idea, but not for us
We didn't click, let's make it quick and say goodbye
Don't hold my hand and don't demand a reason why
No loving looks, no fond regards
Tonight was always on the cards.

I like big muscles, you were thin and lanky
I like nice manners, you were far to cranky
You blew your nose, then looked in your hanky
Things would never have worked.

Your taste in furniture was much too spartan
Your sense of humour kindergarten
Your tattooed bottom: who thought of tartan?
Things would never have worked.

I wanted champagne and oysters
'Cos that's the way I am.
You gave me vimto, tinned carrots and spam.

Rapport's a thing you just can't manufacture
You had an ideal girl, I couldn't match her
I didn't want to it was Mrs. Thatcher
Things would never have worked.

I wanted love to come and knock our blocks off
But even Venus takes her card and clocks off
Your idea of foreplay was to take your socks off
Things would never have worked.

I wanted moonlight and roses
And all that silly tosh.
You wanted gerbils, a whippet, a wash.

I wanted love poems, but you couldn't write them
My earlobes nibbled, but you couldn't bite them
You'd only fart and then attempt to light them
Things would never have worked.

We're not compatible, let's not get blue, dear
At least we see each other's point of view clear
I like big hunky men, and so do you, dear
Things would never have worked.